COMEDY BLOG
 The fact that Covid19 has disrupted so many lives is widely known, but what about the dead that it has disrupted? Most of us go through our daily routines without giving a second thought to the spirits around us, but luckily for us Matthew Montague is not like most. Matthew lives out of an R.V most of the year, traveling from town to town helping those being “spiritually assaulted” as he puts it. He says that he doesn't want to help the people as much as the spirits because they are the ones who don't have anyone to fight for them. “Most of the time all the spirits want to do is be left alone, however in order for them to cross over they have a certain "quota" of haunts they have to hit each year. As long as they hit that quota before their first one thousand years, they get to cross over.” Matthew explained to us. He went on to say “unfortunately the quota is broken down by how much time the spirit is around a certain person or family. So, with the lock-down in effect the spirits had to work overtime just to meet their end of the month numbers.” This was something we had to dig a little deeper on so Matthew agreed to take us with him on his next encounter, what we learned was both shocking and upsetting. We pulled up in front of an old brick home we were told was built in the late 1800’s. The fog was rolling in thicker than any of us could imagine and before we made it to the front door, two members of our crew were already missing. In true haunted house fashion, we ignored this serious situation and went inside to let the story unfold. The front room of the house was like any other, broken mirrors hung on every wall to reflect the broken family that once lived in this house. Matthew encouraged us all to sit down kindergarten style on the old wooden floor and prepare ourselves for the ghostly interview. He began his pleading... “Oh spirits of this disheveled and dilapidated home, hear our cries and hear our pleads as we ask you to show yourselves.” A hush fell over the entire crew as we patiently waited for a reply. Suddenly a gust of wind blew through the house and a chill settled on each one of us. I began to see my breath as if it was mid-December in Michigan. In the middle of the circle a blue flame began to flicker and the spirit of what seemed to be a man who died in his mid to late 30’s began to show himself. The spirit was uneasy and thrashing his body back and forth foaming at the mouth, his eyes glowed red and his scream sent shivers down my spine. He screamed “Who has been bold enough to command me into the light?! Speak your name so that I may tell Satan who I am sending him!” I could hardly breathe as I looked over at Matthew and heard his reply “I am Matthew Montague, spokesman for the dead and unionizer of the spirit world” The spirit suddenly whipped his head around to Matthew and the flames died down, he settled his feet on the floor and said in a very melancholy voice “oh thank God you are here, we have been working non-stop day in and day out since this pandemic started” We witnessed as Matthew and the spirit went over all the legal documents he brought and when we were able asked a few questions of our own. We asked the spirit “So how do you feel this pandemic has affected the spirit realm?” “Oh man, it has been a non-living hell for us honestly. We typically only have to do two or three hauntings a month to keep our quotas up. People are so busy these days with their 12-hour work days and all the little league games. But with everything being shut down we are having to haunt at least 10 times a week now! 10 times a week without any of that time getting added to our overall haunt numbers. I think we should be getting double-haunts honestly but hopefully that’s where Matty boy comes in.” Matthew Montague, a voice for the screeching, a body for the empty and a saint to the spirits. We walked out of the house to a clear sky with the sun shining down on us. The spirit shouted through the broken front window at us “Thanks again for coming guys. Sorry about the people we took when you first showed up, we would give them back, but you know, works work.” We all had a good laugh about that. We tend to think of ourselves in these situations, how the pandemic has hurt us. But what about those around us that are going through so much more? I know before I complain next time, I will think of the spirits around me working overtime without a single cup of coffee. AuthorJake Ruble is a comedian and freelance writer who offers ghostwriting, copywriting and blogging services. He has been published in multiple formats and is currently available for hire. For information on how to hire Jake please contact him at JakeRuble.com
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Man discovers that instructions were included in package of nearly every item requiring assembly.7/31/2020  A Pontiac Michigan man was shocked to find that detailed assembly instructions were included with his son’s bicycle that he was assembling for his 11th birthday. Jason, a 34-year-old electrician, was searching for a missing part of his son’s bike when a suspicious booklet fell from the seemingly empty box. To his surprise this booklet was filled with detailed instructions of how the bicycle should be assembled. Jason began a quest to discover that most items that need assembly from the factory come with these types of directions in great detail. “Men everywhere could have saved valuable time had they also found this time saving booklet”; he told reporters. Jason has begun a YouTube channel where he unboxes items that need assembled to see if they too include the detailed instruction booklet. He then will walk the viewers through a how-to-read an instruction booklet exercise. There has been a great backlash, however from dad’s in the community as many of them believe it is unnatural and unorthodox to use such a booklet. One of Jason’s videos shows how to interpret the instructions included with an outdoor swing set, and that video has had two million views but also at least a half a million thumbs down from dad’s everywhere believing you are born with the ability to erect a swing set. Even with this negative feedback from other men, Jason still believes that using these instructions will make his life better and desires to be a champion for instruction based assembly, rather than the traditional model of, what Jason calls, blind assembly. Today you can find Jason’s children riding bikes, and playing with toys that were assembled to the exact specifications required by the factory. AuthorHoss Ridgeway is a stand up comedian / writer/ actor/ Senior Minister at Turning Point Church in Franklin, IN. for booking you can find him online at hossridgeway.com  In a sleepy little town outside of Austin Texas, a Sheriff’s Deputy assumed his day would be like any other…he would be wrong. As deputy Marshall B. Tucker checked his phone while tending to business he noticed a new Facebook post from his cousin Shirley. “It was like a million other posts I have seen” Tucker told us. “The typical “Why are people always bringing me drama? I hate drama!” and the like. I know my cousin well and to be honest, she tends to be the one creating the drama.” So, the fine deputy thought he would do his duty and inform cousin Shirly that if she: “didn’t want no drama, don’t start no drama.” And that’s when things got messy. “I really didn’t think about it before I posted it and now I know that was my downfall. I never think things through much” confessed the Deputy Marshall Tucker. The next thing he knew it was a four-week confrontation with his cousin over not only Facebook now, but also Instagram. Every post he would make she would find a way to start drama with him. “One post on Instagram was of my daughter in our church play and my cousin commented “the Christian doesn’t fall far from the chicken tree” and to be honest, I had no idea what that one even meant. A family now split down the middle and Thanksgiving just around the corner we decided to track down cousin Shirley and ask her a few questions. “So Shirley, why did you make the post saying you “hate drama” in the first place?” Shirley- “Well to be honest it was a while back and I don’t really remember much but if I was to have to guess, I was just bored.” She was just bored and looking for a little conversation it seems, and conversation is just what she got. Shirly “Oh yeah I remember saying that on Instagram. I thought it was hilarious to think of a chicken tree, I aint even sure if they’re real or not” Should you avoid "drama" bait on facebook? Do you know someone just like this? Are chicken trees really a thing? These are all questions only you can answer. AuthorJake Ruble is a comedian and freelance writer who offers ghostwriting, copy writing and blogging services. He has been published in multiple formats and is currently available for hire. For information on how to hire Jake please contact him at JakeRuble.com  Ferris Bueller fueled thousands of teenagers with the notion that faking sick and skipping school was all the rage. “Let’s all take a day off” they said and senior skip day was born. Is it all fun and games or is there a deeper issue that could come from "playing hooky". We spoke with head researcher Dr. Ulfnam at Colombo Labs in New Jersey to see just how much danger could really come from this. “You see the rate of reliability has dropped astronomically since the release of this, "The Bueller" in 1986.” Dr. Ulfnam told us. “Before the year 1986 not a single person had ever heard of this “Man-Flu” but it wouldn’t be long until it spread like a wildfire.” So we asked him if he noticed a large spike in Man-Flu cases by the end of 1986. His reply may surprise you. “Oh no no. You see, in 1986 when the Bueller was released most (if not all) of the first “Man-Flu” subjects where only teens. It wasn’t for another 10 years that we would see the numbers climb.”- Ulfnam When asked if he could show us the data of just how many cases popped up in the late 90’s and how that number has risen over the years he simply laughed and replied “The issue is that 98% of “Man-Flu” cases go undocumented out of fear of being a "wuss bag" in the office or place of work. Most men just say they went fishing when they come back in.” All we can say for now is that if you have a teenage who is claiming to be ill, double check that thermometer before it is too late. AuthorJake Ruble is a comedian and freelance writer who offers ghostwriting, copy writing and blogging services. He has been published in multiple formats and is currently available for hire. For information on how to hire Jake please contact him at JakeRuble.com |
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